A grinning Jack-o-lantern sitting on top of a corn shock is to Halloween as Cassandra Peterson is to a Google Image search.

In a recent email, someone complained to me that he didn’t have time to build a scarecrow. Now, having time and making time are two different things, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt and began exploring ways to speed things up a bit.

What I discovered, however, was that simplifying a scarecrow without sacrificing essential scarecrow-y-ness just wasn’t possible. Arms are necessary. Some kind of body is necessary. It’s a scarecrow, not a vacuum cleaner. But I kept pondering. I do that alot.

What would we, in the bottom of our kettle, end up with if we distilled a scarecrow? Assuming it was even possible without having to sacrifice anything or give an indian medicine man a station wagon. What would be the final essence? I suppose that would depend on the nature of the scarecrow, but let’s assume a Grumble or a Bruno. Reduced to its barest form, I think we would simply see a grin of fire.

From that point, this idea sort of builds itself. How many plastic Jack-o-lantern-sitting-on-a-corn-shock lamps are there in your house? We have many. They’re so cheery and warm. Let’s build a full-size one that’s scary and on fire.

This could be very, very cool, and it would be much less technically challenging for folks who might be a little shy of all this artsy-fartsy paper mache stuff. You would still have to build a head, but the head is the easiest part of a scarecrow (to me, anyway).

Drive a tall tomato stake into the ground about 12-16″. Or use an old broom stick, or any sturdy post. You’ll want something about 6 or 7 feet tall. Next, get a couple of corn shocks and tie them together with twine or string. Set this super corn shock over the post. You might have to wrap some string around the post and then tie it around the two shocks. The post will help to keep the whole affair from blowing over.

Mount your pumpkin to the top of the post. If your post is short or your shocks are very tall, then just wedge the pumpkin in amongst the stalks. Secure it with string or wire by drilling holes in the back and sides of the pumpkin and threading it through. Make sure he won’t blow away!

And there it is. The Jack-o-corn … corn-o-lantern … junk-o-puke … Um … Pumpkin Shock!

Okay, I have to say this. Do not set your corn shocks on fire. Unless you’re planning on making some kind of stand, don’t try to mount a real pumpkin. Use an electric light or flashlight to light your Jack-o-lantern. Don’t use candles. Don’t try to pour a cup of ice through a hole in the rusted out floorboard of a VW Beetle at high speed. Don’t taunt a cornered possum.

Category: Halloween   Tags: corn shocks, pumpkin shock

Sometimes you just want to go to your favorite cemetery and be alone for a while.

A little bag of donuts is nice too.

Category: Stuff   Tags: boston, cemetery, concord, death head, tombstone

Last night I was out in the garage pulling a paper mache skull from its form. You really have to work it sometimes with a screwdriver to pop the paper off, and I had been at it for a while.

At 8 o’clock it was getting a little chilly, and the sun was already painting the hills pink and orange.

Since Sunday’s Wind Event, big piles of limbs and even whole trees lined both sides of the road in front of the house. Chainsaws buzzed in the distance and a large tractor “chuffed” up the road. The aroma of fresh-cut wood, campfires, and drying leaves filled the air.

“Open Mind with Bill Jenkins“, a KABC show from the 80s, was playing loudly on the CD player on the workbench. UFOs, Bigfoot, astral projection, talking bananas, all sorts of crazy stuff. It’s like listening to Coast to Coast AM, but without the annoying political commentary. Great listening for an early Fall night.

I didn’t notice the car in the driveway until a door slammed. I stepped out of the garage to see who it was. Almost dark now, and with headlights shining in my eyes, I couldn’t make out the faces of the three people standing and staring at me.

“Can I help you?” I called out.

There was a lengthy silence, then a woman’s voice said, “W-we heard your water was out, so … we brought you some. We’re from the LDS church.” She gestured toward her two companions who were struggling with a heavy package. They were young girls, probably 11, and their eyes never left me. They looked like they could bolt at any second. That’s when it struck me.

There I stood, bathed in the cold harsh light of the car headlights, leaves skittering in circles around my feet, holding a skull in one hand and a long screwdriver in the other. I’m sure it was the very last thing these good Samaritans expected to see on a Tuesday evening.

Laughing, I put my project away and took the case of water from the girls, thanking them and blessing their little hearts the whole time. It was really very nice of them to drive through the neighborhood and give out cases of water.

As they pulled down the driveway and disappeared behind a pile of brush, I stood waving and smiling. Smiling because of the warm gesture and because of the story they’ll have to tell their friends about the crazy man with the skull.

Category: Stuff   Tags: crazy man, crimes, skull, storm

Walking trees are another story, though.

I love a storm. I love the texture of it, the taste, the energy. Nature unleashed to remind us who’s really in charge around here.

But I got my fill when the remnants of Hurricane Ike roared through Indiana on Sunday. The wind began to freshen at around 11:30. By 1:00 it was too late and too risky to walk the length of the driveway and take down the flag pole. 75mph winds tore up everything it could grab.

There was corn in my front yard. Corn! Where did corn come from?

Above the constant roar was “Crack! Pop! Pop! Crrrack! Screeee…booom!” Over and over. I’ve never seen trees walk before. They’re not very good at it, and kept falling over.

Sustained hurricane-force winds are unheard of in Indiana, and if this was just the last echo of what a real hurricane is like, then I don’t ever want to be caught anywher near one. This coming from a guy who has always wanted to be a storm chaser and take pictures of a tornado.

We were lucky to only have a mess to clean up and nothing poking out of the top of our house.

Category: Stuff