Three local zombies were involved in a head-on collision this afternoon on the 4. Alcohol is thought to have been involved, or at least the consumption of alcoholics prior to getting behind the wheel.Surprisingly, injuries were minor. All undead were thrown clear of their car as it disintegrated upon impact with the a lorry driven by 77 year old pensioner Harold Waxwafer. Not surprisingly, however, the zombies did feast on Mr. Waxwafer and two responding ambulance crews. Police and bystanders fled the scene. More

Category: Halloween, Stuff  

Going back to the well of fun ads from the ’50s and so on…

After his frontal lobotomy, it wasn’t unusual for Henry to enthusiastically converse with or sing to his dinner. Everyone just grew to accept it as one of his many quirks. It became less endearing as the months wore on, though, and was just one more reason that the family finally had him committed to St. Hoolies’ Home For the Haywired. He enjoyed the ambulance ride, though.

Garrett liked to work out and keep fit. His wife liked it too, often commenting on his “lovely posterior”. But when his mother in law Doreen also began to notice, usually after a few Stroh’s, he decided to cut back a little on his gym time. Doreen later evolved into what is generally referred to today as a “cougar“.

“Junior, put down that book and turn on the electric dog washer.”It’s unclear what this ad was actually about, but from its context we can make some inferences:1) Junior and his dog long for the sweet release that death will bring. “Dad, does she have to put cameras in all the rooms? Last night she told me not to splash while I was peeing!” 2) That deck of pornographic playing cards Junior bought from the guy down at the railyard was the best investment he ever made.

Tessa was one of those people who would wear a t-shirt that says, “I’m not suffering from mental illness. I’m enjoying the ride”. Even after hubby declared he was secretly attracted to their neighbor Garrett’s lovely ass, Tess seemed to take it in stride. A slug of Glenlivet and handful of Paxils generally brought on a pleasant buzz that was sufficient to drown out the police sirens and screams of pedestrians in front of the farmer’s market.

“I’ll have a Stroh’s and a pack of Camels. What about you, Duke?” “Well, I just had a couple of steaks and a loaf of Wonder Bread for breakfast, so just bring me a wire brush and a bottle of Mira-Lax.”

Elmer the curious duck (not pictured) was the real star of all the Hi Ho Cracker photo shoots.

Category: Stuff  

The late 1940s and 50s were certainly a golden age for advertising. Having just stepped out from under the oppressive shadow of The Hun, John Q Public took an appreciative breath of fresh air, opened a can of Spam, lit up a Marlboro and shotgunned a Party Quart. Print ads of the era contained a bizarre mixture of over-the-top enthusiasm for basically everything along with the subtle sexualization of just about everything. Mostly using hotdogs.

	“Oh – My – GAWD, those are NOT peas! I love peas! And I thought finding bubby’s stash of speed in the closet this morning was going to be the highlight of my day!”
	“Hey, toots. Please excuse my eunuch friend here. He’s got this abscessed tooth that he won’t get fixed and it makes him a little looney. Notice my pipe? You like that? I can lick the tip of my nose, too. Whatchu hidin’ in those coffee filters?
	“Dff hnk upf pottng sol ig dbishish”
	Toofy O’brien, Scottland’s answer to Opie Taylor, enjoys a heaping plate of intestinal worms.
	Tenderoni brand parasitic worm is preferred by 9 out of 10 children with elephantitis.
	I am possessed by satan, and I love Van Camp’s pork and beans.
	Dana knew she was staring at four unpleasant days without a bowel movement after she devoured her share of rhinoceros haunch. Nevertheless, she managed a smile for the camera and secretly took solace in the knowledge that her husband’s coronary was almost assured. Soon the insurance money would be hers.
	“Smile, and make it look like you’re really enjoying that glass of Dreamsicle-flavored sulphur water. Use your tongue, or something.” Heywood did the best he could, really. After this first and only photo shoot, neither the years nor his mother, Mrs. Jablowme were very kind to him.
	Yes, but Carl’s flashing electric ears prevented most people from ever noticing.
	Bacon. When you’ve just finished off the last of your stash, and you’re too baked to drive to White Castle.
	Shannon’s got a demon inside her. And when it’s not shrieking obscenities at the village priests, it likes to feed on freshly-pulped muscle tissue smeared over “Cellophane” brand bread. Mmmm-mm.

Category: Stuff  

Neil and Bob love energy drinks, but chugging a couple of Electric Bull Juices and then trying to watch a movie proves nearly impossible.

Our 1984 prom theme was Dungeons and Dragons. Yeah, I know. I was a nerd who loved D&D and even I thought it was lame. The pungent stench of mildew eminated from the dank gymnasium walls that night.

At PHS, prom was held in the school gym. It was a catered affair with a live band that played until around 11:00. Afterwards was the “after prom entertainment”, which that year consisted of we (those who hadn’t been invited to a kegger out in the middle of a cornfield somewhere) cramming into the charmingly dilapidated Orleans theater to watch Footloose.

Every kid should have the opportunity to grow up in a hay-seed town where the Friday night football game is the topic of conversation for days before and after. Where the same four old men in overalls and trucker caps sit on the worn bench in front of the courthouse to talk cattle, carburetors, and politics. Where the local drugstore still hands out orange and black paper trick or treat bags before Halloween (okay, maybe that’s a stretch, but wouldn’t it be great?), and where the prom looks a lot like the dance at the end of Footloose, except without all the glitter, and nobody can actually dance.

There was a simplicity that we took for granted. It was enough to wax up the Oldsmobile, get dressed to the nines and eat a chicken dinner in the highschool gym. Although, looking back now I realize that my velvet-ish burgundy tux wasn’t really the fashion statement I thought I was making at the time.

If there is any point whatsoever to today’s post, some message for you to take with you into the weekend, it is this: HairoftheDogBawls is what you get when you mix two of those crazy “energy drinks” together. Guess which two. Oh, and don’t go to the prom if your tux has glitter on it…or something.

Today’s Highlights:

Perseid Meteor Shower peaks Sunday night (August 12)

If this UFO sighting were only real. Great production work, though.

Is Windows Vista (choke – hurl) actually helping Linux Desktop?

Indian Superman and Spider–…hot SpiderChick? Must look away…but…can’t

Category: Stuff