Highlights of the quarterly
staff meeting.
"Can we talk
about our core strategies now?"
"Shoot him now!
Shoot him now!"
"God, I
should've stayed in electronics school!"
"I've got to
email 10 people a letter about angels or we're all doomed."
"Who are all
those men outside dressed like army guys?"
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"Let me drive,
or I'll moon those state troopers over there, I swear!"
M.C. Pickle, Clutch Nicepackage, assorted contributing editors
M.C. Pickle: Okay, people. Settle down. Where's Hazard?
Clutch: Uh, he's in jail again. Tried to steal a sprint racer at the
sportsdrome last night.
M.C. Pickle: Gads. Alright, send an intern downtown to bail him out.
Clutch: Well, that's not going to be easy. Community College refuses
to send us anymore interns. And the last batch quit yesterday to be taste testers at
the Friskens cat food factory.
M.C. Pickle: I guess this is going to be a short meeting then.
Carl Leenux (contributing editor): Can we talk about our core strategies now?
M.C. Pickle: (sigh) Okay, Carl. What've you got?
Carl Leenux (contributing editor): Well, I've been thinking. We need to become a world
class organization on a go-forward basis, and I am concerned with Clutch's lacking sense
of urgency in delighting our customers. I'd like to see him demonstrate a commitment
to our core values, and exhibit more focus, and accountability. (Lifted from an actual performance appraisal)
Clutch: You want me to shoot him now, or wait till he gets home?
Mary Melee (contributing editor): Shoot him now! Shoot him now!
Carl Leenux (contributing editor): You keep out of this.
M.C. Pickle: Can it, Mary. Carl, you just keep right on working on
those core strategies of yours. I'm sure there's a prime managerial spot waiting for
you some day in one of the leading pizza companies. (aside) God, I should have
stayed in electronics school.
Clutch: So, can we go now? I've got to email 10 people a letter
about angels or we're all doomed.
Laurie Loosebottom (contributing editor): Did you send out that letter from Bill Gates?
You know, the one he's using to test his new email system?
Clutch: You'll fall for anything, won't you?
M.C. Pickle: Clutch, I want you working on that piece about the new 33
cent stamps. Did you snail mail our request to the postmaster general?
Clutch: Um. Well, no. It came back. Insufficient
postage.
Mary Melee (contributing editor): Shoot him now! Shoot him now!
Carl Leenux (contributing editor): You keep out of this. You react to problems more than
you anticipate them. I'd like to hear your thoughts on improvements. You don't
exhibit a drive or ambition to create better ways of doing things.
Clutch: Carl, you're a weasle, you know that?
M.C. Pickle: (aside) I'm going to snap. I can feel it.
Carl Leenux (contributing editor): Your decision to use time unwisely is inconsistent with our
mission, principles and values.
M.C. Pickle: This bickering is pointless. Don't be too impressed
with this technological terror you've constructed. It's power is insignificant next
to the power of the Force.
Clutch: Okay, I'm outa here. Pickle's turned into Darth Vader again.
Laurie Loosebottom (contributing editor): Somebody's climbing through the window.
Clutch: It's Hazard! Hey Hazard, come on in!
Laurie Loosebottom (contributing editor): Who are all those men outside dressed like army guys?
Abe Hazard: Uh, nobody. Friends of mine. Can I borrow your keys,
M.C.?
M.C. Pickle: The circle is now complete. Now I am the master.
Mary Melee (contributing editor): Shoot him now! Shoot him now!
The remainder of this document is
tied up in legal deposition and was unavailable at the time this edition went to print.
All participants, with the exception of Abe Hazard are currently serving time at
Parknoid Commercial Prison and Nikey Footwear plant, Hanover, Indiana. Hazard is
still at large. |